Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
