one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
