i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
