The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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