My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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