Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
