I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
