Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
