Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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