I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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