Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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