Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
