I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
