I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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