i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and she was petting her beer can
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
