you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
