dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
