That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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