I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
