In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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