Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
