I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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