So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
