My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
