4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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