Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
