I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
