If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Drunk is not a location!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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