K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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