I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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