I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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