I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
