he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
