I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
