allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
