today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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