My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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