Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
