I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
