Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
