I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
