Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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