I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You took a bar mat shot.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
