so explain again why im purple
no
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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