My Higher Power is John Stamos
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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