sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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