For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
