I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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