I wish my penis had an off switch
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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