a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
